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Guys, I’ve been holding out on you. Unless you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, than you haven’t seen my stripped crop top. I worked tirelessly all weekend to design a pattern as I went, holding the bra up to my body, crocheting, measuring again, jotting down each row – and I finally came up with a black, scribbly pattern. I did it again and it came out more even, and even though I had wrote the pattern there was a BUNCH i had somehow “miscalculated” rows/stitches. Five prototypes – here is a sneak peak. Can you feel the fire running through these stripes?

I’m not sure yet how to make them any other size than small. Right now I’m going to take a moment to talk about all the anxiety I have about my Etsy store. *takes deep breath* I want to throw in the towel.

I can’t stop looking at my competition and seeing their thousands of followers, constant sales, and their beautifully themed instagram stories and shop – and the outpouring of love and support. All these I don’t have. I’m stuck in “Etsy-hell” this purgatory where I know I make expertly handcrafted crochet apparel, but I’m not in the pro leagues.

I have been using a poor quality camera, if I want to take a picture, I need sunlight – but not too bright or it will leave a glare. It never takes a picture when you want it to. There’s no zoom or any other features – it’s literally a point-and-shoot digital camera. I have also been dealing with a depression that reminds me of my sad college life. I’ve had depression before – days where you can’t move, when you have that thousand eye stare, when you literally cannot speak and you’re numb.  The kind of depression where you don’t eat, and it makes you cry when you taste something. I don’t know if anyone really understands how I feel, but I just have to think I’m not alone. It’s affecting how I focus at work or lack of. I also cannot handle stress well. Other successful women know how to manage stress and not in destructive ways.

I don’t want to be the type of person. This week I worked extra hard at work – when they offered over time I was the first one to stay longer. I’m coming in tomorrow on my day off.

I mostly crochet Fridays and Sundays, which are my off days. I crochet every day, and make sure to spend time on Instagram and Facebook. I’d like to try to get my shop out in town more. I wonder about asking the cafe in town if I can put an amigurumi coffee with my cards there. What do you think?